"Everything and a Kite" Part 1

The following features 2 excerpts from a book I enjoy reading over and over again. It's "Everything and a Kite" by Ray Romano. I know that not everybody really loves Raymond, but this book is great. Hope you enjoy. Also, I have posted a new poll so be sure to vote!
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Chapter 5: Married Guy
As much as I'm advocating affection and attention toward women, sometimes you have to cut us a little slack, sisterhood.

I mean, there are times when you have to be reasonable. When my wife and I go to bed, she tends to fall alseep right away. She's tired. I'm tired, too, but I like to stay up and read a little.

That bugs her.

She'll wake up, roll over...

"What are you doing?"
"I'm reading."
"I thought we were going to talk to each other."
"You fell asleep."
"So right away you gotta pick up a book?"

I don't even know where to beging with that one. She gets mad that I'm not focusing on her, even while she's sleeping. I guess my wife's vision of how life should be is that I pay attention to her at every waking moment, and when she falls asleep I sketch her.
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Chapter 7: The Baby

As your child gets older, the diaper stage takes on a whole different dynamic. If you've ever seen a kid poop in his diaper standing up, you know what I am talking about. If you ask me, it's why man invented the video camera.

It's quite a funny sight. And you can always tells when it's happening.

When everything's normal, they're running around the room at a hundred miles an hour. It's when you catch that sudden slowdown in the action that you know it's time to plug in the Handicam.

Suddenly, instead of running, they're walking. Then they're pacing, and finally they come to a complete stop. Just standing in one spot. Although in some instances you might be able to direct a slight rocking.

Then they get an odd look on their face. It's sort of a slight grimace with a "why me" in their eyes. The back arches a little. And then the dead giveaway, the shuffle behind the furniture.

If you see your diaper-clad child with that face on, wedged into a little nook and cranny somewhere behind the couch, it's go-time.

In some cases you might witness what I call "the Leaner." It's everything mentioned above, with a little extra strain in his face as he bends over slightly at the waist, putting one hand on the couch arm for support.

Never make eye contact with "the Leaner." He's like a pit bull, and if he sees you looking at him, you're going to get a face full of growl.

"ARRRRRRRRGH! ARRRRRRRRRRRRRRRRRRRRRRRR!"

Oddly enough, as an adult, things really don't change that much. Sure, you probably don't have people watching you, but there's always some idiot knocking on the bathroom door. You still growl, only now it's: "I'M IN HERE!"
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"Everything and a Kite" by Ray Romano
Bantam Books
New York, NY
1998
All Rights Reserved.